First Dates is the best reality show I have ever seen. It is a simple, inexpensive idea- Channel 4 gets a real restaurant, fills it with single people on blind dates, films them during the dates, and interviews them afterwards. If someone’s date does not go their way they can come back for another, and the viewer can go online and apply to join them.
The way that the footage is edited and narrativised is clear and interesting. The editors presumably have two or three hours of different facial expressions to make reaction shots out of, and they do a beautiful job of telling the stories. If they want to show that someone talks too much, they’ll cut shots of them telling a long anecdote in with shots of their date yawning or looking at their watch. If they want to show that someone has offended their date, the date is shown to get up and go to the toilet immediately – like, immediately – after the other person has spoken. You would be surprised how often this happens- it’s how I now know not to tell Holocaust jokes on a first date. If the date has a positive outcome, the daters are shown beaming a lot, and their breakthrough moments will be accompanied by adorable accordion music.
I have been on two dates, and they were not like the dates in First Dates. I have learned that there is a whole world out there, and it has rules. It is my pleasure to share these rules with you.
1. It’s all about the future
Few people are on First Dates because they want to meet someone cool and see how it goes. Everyone’s terrified about the future. The pre-date interviews always express one or more of the following: my time is running out, all my friends are having babies, when will I have a baby, I keep going to weddings on my own, if I keep sleeping around no-one will ever marry me. There have been two pairs of people over 60 on dates on the show, who just say they’re just looking for companionship- that’s because the future (having a family) has already happened to them. From this perspective, First Dates is shot through with people’s panic, sadness and fear of failure, and documents a widespread unwillingness to imagine a life without normative models of family and happiness.
Poor Carl- women take one look at his hair and assume he’s a player
For this reason, also, the conversations on these dates are super weird. If I had just met someone, I would not ask them where they see themselves in five years, how many people they’ve had sex with, or what they look for in a girlfriend. These are all common questions on First Dates. If you give the impression that you have had a lot of sex, it is over for you.
2. People change in the bathroom
No, silly- not their clothes. Men on First Dates go to the bathroom, start chatting to another man and become monstrous woman-haters of the highest order. I think that fully half of the men who pass through the First Dates restaurant should not be around women, and should instead direct their barely disguised rape threats at themselves, in the mirror, and see how they like it. So First Dates is good for people who are already misandrists, and also people who are thinking of getting into misandry.
3. No rejection without friendship
The only way to reject someone it to suggest that you be friends. You can’t say you don’t want to see them ever again. You just can’t. If any of these friends have actually hung out outside of the First Dates restaurant, I will give £1 to each of the 7 people who read this review of First Dates.
Purdey seems like a really terrible person
4. The “friend zone”- what is it?
I’ve never heard the phrase “friend zone” used in real life, probably because of my entire lack of dates, but it is very commonly used on First Dates. It’s primarily used by men to make women feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with them. It makes it sound like friendship is bad. I think it is because these daters know- as I now know- that being friends with your date just means never seeing them again.
I know that the “friend zone” is supposed to happen to men who are too nice to women- and yet, as soon as a man sees that he is being moved into the “friend zone”, he becomes bathroom-style monstrous and verbally abusive. And that is not nice at all.
5. Compliments are not for men
If your date is a woman, it is polite to tell her she looks beautiful, or to say something nice about one or more of her body parts. If your date is a man, don’t bother!
These two daters are the BEST. The BEST.
6. People are cute / It’s OK if your date thinks you’re weird
One of the pleasures of watching First Dates is seeing people who get rejected on first dates by someone who really doesn’t get their whole ‘thing’ come back for another date, and find someone who totally LOVES their whole ‘thing’. Like Stephan and Angela.
Stephan had a bad date with Nike- she was quite reserved, he was very exuberant, and she suggested they be friends (LOL). Angela also had a bad date with a very rude man.
When Stephan and Angela met, they were super into each other! They had a great time! Angela wasn’t at all put off by the way Stephan repeats one joke over and over again, and she liked his dancing. Suddenly everything that had been grating about Stephan was actually brilliant.
Watching First Dates means watching 45 minutes worth of highly mediated human interaction in a very specific register- a first date! Watching date after date after date really lays bare the conventions, which hardly change at all though the people are all, obviously, very different. It’s sweet and hilarious, and full of great characters and interesting insights into dating culture. I also think that watching it would be a fun thing to do on a real life first date, and I would like someone to try it out and get back to me.
